Writers Wanted

Nothing ruins an article faster than a weak lede. 

(And before I get 1,000 emails AGAIN, the first paragraph is called a "lede".  It's not called a "lead".) 

Take this example from this morning's Republic

Gov. Janet Napolitano would avoid deep cuts in state programs and services by relying on financing, reserves and fiscal maneuvers to close a state budget deficit pegged at more than $1 billion.

Why would Matt Benson write such a stilted and awkward lede?   

Why the euphemism "relying on financing"?  Have you ever heard some one use that phrase?  The legislative process is filled with terms of art and "relying on financing" isn't one of them.  When your wife asks how you afforded that new Corvette in the drive way, do you say I'm "relying on financing"? 

No, "relying on financing" is a euphemistic way of saying "borrowing."  Since the word "borrowing" is shorter, clearer and more powerful, we can safely conclude that Benson chose the euphemism for a reason.  My guess is that the "borrowing" has a negative connotation, while "relying on financing" doesn't.  So he intentionally picked the weaker phrase in order to make the Governor's proposal look better.  You know, just like they teach in Journalism school.

The governor has three categories of proposals.  Here are the second two: "reserves and fiscal maneuvers".  That, of course, makes no sense standing alone. Benson's choice of "relying on financing" instead of "borrowing", forces the reader to go back to "relying on" in order to make "reserves and fiscal maneuvers" make sense. 

Even when the reader manages to combine "relying on fiscal maneuvers" the phrase is still meaningless. 

I was about to try to write a better lede when I realized that other reporters would have covered the same story.  Here's Howie Fischer's lede in the Star.

Gov. Janet Napolitano wants to pay for an $800,000 bounce in the state budget next year through a combination of borrowing, shifting costs to local governments, diverting money away from road building and collecting $90 million from photo radar tickets.

He uses:  "borrowing, shifting, diverting, collecting."  Those are all words that I understand.  They are clear, short, powerful and self contained.  He also uses the more accurate and colorful "pay for an $800,000 bounce" instead of the less accurate "avoid deep cuts."  Plus he gets a bonus for parallel structure.

The reason I'm pointing all this out is not to tell you that Howie Fischer is a better writer than Mathew Benson.  My point is that Benson appears to have jumped through hoops in order sanitize the governor's proposal.  His choice of euphemisms like "relying on financing" and "fiscal maneuvers" confuses the reader and weakens the final product and the only explanation for such awkward prose is that it makes the governor's hard budget choices seem more palatable.

Not that they are biased or anything. 

Comments

[ron]

In New Jersey, they are having a discussion about how to pay for new highways. This is what one legislator said,

"Friends don't let friends monetize. I think this is a mistake for the long-term interests of New Jersey."

-- Assemblywoman Jennifer Beck, R-Monmouth
NewHouse Service 2/19/07

Don't tell the Gov or she might want to monetize (borrow) to pay for the state budget....

[ron]

To Ms. Beck's comment, this observation was offered:

"Motorists, would pay more because of the potential for annual toll increases… Asset monetization is a one-shot deal… It's not free money. It's money that has to get paid back."

-- Assemblyman John Wisniewski

I'll stop now before I give people anymore ideas :)

[ExUrbanKevin]

The newswriting at azcentral.com has sunk to new lows: There's not a day that goes by when I don't cringe at a headline at a poorly-written headline or incomplete article. I don't mind baised or slanted, but I do mind bad.

"Layers and layers of editors", indeed.

[Joe G.]

"...shifting costs to local governments" is also pretty good.

I'd like to shift some costs. My bar tab I'd shift to the chump next door. And I'm going to be going haywire soon at Brooks Brothers -- I'll shift that cost to anyone who can bear it.

[Muckraker]

You only need to go to the fourth paragraph to see more bad writing (do the Republic editors even look at this stuff?) when Benson writes: "Her plan includes a bit of everything..." What a lazy and inaccurate way to say she has included a variety of ways to deal with the budget shortfall.

[CCUSD Watch]

I think the reporter forgot a comma.

"financing, reserves, and fiscal maneuvers"

He needs to read "Eats, Shoots & Leaves" or at least "Elements of Style".

CCUSD Watch
http://ccusdwatch.blogspot.com
ccusdwatch@hotmail.com

[ron]

Of course, it's not called 'raising taxes' anymore - it's called 'revenue enhancement'.

[Mario Lemieux]

I would love to see the look on Howie's face when he hears the Espresso Pundit is praising him...